In Every Family Has a Story, bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel turns from her acclaimed work with individuals to draw on her sessions with a wide variety of families, across multiple generations. Through eight beautifully told and insightful case studies, she analyses a range of common issues, from loss to leaving home, and from separation to step-relationships, and shows how much is, in fact, inherited -- and how much can be healed when it is faced together. Julia points out that “ honesty shines a light, right? And lights are illuminating a lights spring glow. And they bring people. And that’s what you do. You gather because of your honesty and your humility with your honesty, to say hard things and let yourself feel hard things. Other people can then face their own and look at their own and they see you can see how you do.” In what ways did this podcast help you shine a light on your own childhood and family story? How can you share that light with others? This is a wise and insightful exploration of modern life that will help us create the families we wish for. Family stories casually chatted about at the dinner table, or regaled again and again at family gatherings can parallel great epics or notable short stories. The memorable stories of our lives and of others in our family take on special importance because they are true, even if everyone tells different versions of the same event. These tales are family heirlooms held in the heart not the hand. They are a gift to each generation that preserves them by remembering them and passing them on.” (Heather Forest) The holidays are prime time for family storytelling. When you’re putting up the tree or having your holiday meal, share a story with your children about past holidays. Leave in the funny bits, the sad bits, the gory and smelly bits–kids can tell when a story has been sanitized for their protection. Then invite everyone else to tell a story too. Don’t forget the youngest and the oldest storytellers in the group. Their stories may not be as coherent, but they can be the truest, and the most revealing.” (Elaine Reese)

Kate: And. What do you suggest for people who have incomplete stories and don’t have enough information to piece it together in a way that’s satisfying? Mystery is sort of can be a terrible maybe maybe we just have to grieve that mystery. Evidence suggests that the more children know about their family history, the less anxiety, less depression and higher self-esteem they exhibit.” (Natalie Merrill) Sharing your family’s stories will give your descendants a glimpse into what your life and your family are like. You will also be grateful in the future when you have stories recorded to tell to your own children. You may not think your memories will fade, but you never know what you’ll forget if you don’t record it somewhere. And as you work on recording your family stories, you may even discover things you never knew before.” (Mindy Raye Friedman) But that is perhaps me being overly critical (and part of the therapy I need is surely to forgive more). So whilst she may not be the ideal therapist for me, she certainly reinforced and made me feel some of my own issues were valid. I leave you with a couple of sentences which I take away This was a very interesting book. I am a big proponent of Therapy For Everybody, but family therapy seems to play second fiddle to individual – presumably because of how hard it is to get a group of potentially therapy-averse people around one table. I will say the fact that Samuels is attempting to be inclusive of many different types and varieties of families means that some specificity is lost. This is coming from a place of extreme privilege wherein I do not experience racism or homophobia, nor do I have significant traumas in my past. However, I still have mental health struggles, so the books that speak to me the most are the ones who deal with people like me – people who from the outside look like they shouldn’t have problems. All the same, this is still a valuable book with actionable insights.Kate: Yeah. Your book has these incredible case studies of families learning to negotiate that dynamic. Can you give me an example of if someone who’s acute pain like required them to embed themselves and maybe they had to engage in a story that was their parents or grandparents? If you don’t recount your family history, it will be lost. Honor your own stories and tell them too. The tales may not seem very important, but they are what binds families and makes each of us who we are. Madeleine L’Engle The author Julia Samuel was in conversation with Stephen Gross at our event. Please find out more here.

Kate: Yeah, that’s right. The thinning of all these things that hold us up, the cutting of all of our puppet strings. You write very movingly about a family who is trying to say goodbye. It was a family trying to say goodbye in the impossibility of losing a parent with cancer. And you were walking them to the edge of a difficult grief in an impossible moment of pandemic isolation. How did you help them live inside of a story that was going to be and feel incomplete in such a big way? Why do some families thrive in adversity while others fragment? How can families weather difficult transitions together? Why do our families drive us mad? And how can even small changes greatly improve our relationships? Julia: I think what I offered was the space for him and them, being a third party, you know. In fact, I was like the sixth person. But being someone who’s outside the family, I think that there is something about having a witness who isn’t emotionally invested with you. Hmm. That is a it’s like a holding power that allows them then to have very difficult conversations where they could hear each other because they had me to kind of keep them safe or to balance them. They weren’t responsible for each other’s distress or trying to protect each other from the pain that they were facing. And I think in voicing their fear, they were also very clearly voicing their love. And that for the for the dad is what mattered most. And that really supported him. He said, this is the worst time in my life, but also the best time in my life. That strange kind of duality. Because he really knew he was at.

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Kim Hawley and her father Jim Scherman nap on the couch in 1993. It can be helpful to start your interview with a warm-up question, such as sharing a favorite memory from childhood. Julia Samuel writes with unfailing grace, tenderness and consummate storytelling. Everyone who reads this will learn something profound' Rachel Clarke The eight families have been carefully chosen. They are diverse in ethnicity, sexuality, economic circumstances and in the issues they raise: divorce, bereavement, same-sex marriage and adoption, addiction, empty nest syndrome. The effect is at times almost too schematic (was her publisher calling the shots?), but the Samuel magic continues to obtain. She shows that there is no family tree without its gnarled complexity. Families are “messy, chaotic and imperfect. Where we love and care most, we also hurt most…” She reminds us: “One of the snares of family is it is the only relationship we cannot leave, however much we might like to.”

Kate: That is so true. Thinking through someone else’s brain is such a wonderful way to know someone. And you are someone with so many rich categories for thinking about the bigger stories that we carry. This new book you have is so wonderful and challenging and motivating and sort of horrifying because it. Well, is it it pushes me to think beyond therapy as a kind of solo act. Like, let me tell you about my story and whatever I think of everyone else. But your book looks not just at individuals, but families. And it made me imagine people as a web. Is that a is that a good metaphor or how do you imagine it? Kate mentions a podcast with Tara Westover called “Remaking Home” , which discusses more about childhood trauma and pain. You can also read Tara’s book Educated . Kate: That’s so nice. But the thing, what you wrote about the relationships that heal us made complete sense to me of how the last few years have gone. Only when I practiced being honest that I could get over the loneliness. And then the and solving loneliness to me has been the biggest. I mean, there being no solution to almost anything but but at least like a beautiful salve to the worst parts of being a person. You wrote this absolutely gorgeous moving thing about like it only takes one person. Can you tell me more about that? Discuss this episode with a book club, friends, or bible study group. Here are some conversation starters:

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Julia Samuel offers vivid insights in a book for all families... I was utterly drawn in' Kathryn Mannix In Every Family Has a Story , bestselling psychotherapist Julia Samuel turns from her acclaimed work with individuals to draw on her sessions with a wide variety of families, across multiple generations. Through eight beautifully told and insightful case studies, she analyses a range of common issues, from loss to leaving home, and from separation to step-relationships, and shows how much is, in fact, inherited -- and how much can be healed when it is faced together. All families have stories to tell, regardless of their culture or their circumstances. Of course, not all of these stories are idyllic ones. Research shows that children and adolescents can learn a great deal from stories of life’s more difficult moments–as long as those stories are told in a way that is sensitive to the child’s level of understanding, and as long as something good is gleaned from the experience.” (Elaine Reese)