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Did you hear about the dog who was always concerned about safety? He would bark, “Don’t be silly, wrap your tail, Willy!” The pope retorts, “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?” What don't you want to hear after performing o**... s**... on w**... Nelson? I'm not w**... Nelson. Why did the barber disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a clean shave!
A woman is walking down the street, when she crosses a corner in which a drunk man is leaning. Seeing her, the man screams: you’re one ugly gal! Apparently Bruce Willis is only going to concentrate on action films from now on... because you know what they say about old habits... Suddenly, a gopher pops up out of the ground, grabs the ball in its mouth, and takes off toward the hole. When it’s about halfway there, a hawk swoops down out of the sky, grabs the gopher in its talons, and starts flying toward the hole. I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. Bruce Willis was offered a role in the new Star Wars film, but turned it down to concentrate on action films Because you know what they say about old habits...Why did the construction worker ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in hard hat protection! What did the dentist say to his patient? “Don’t be silly, wrap your toothbrush, Willy! We don’t want any cavities!” Why did the farmer ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the natural pollination of his crops!
Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella. Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus. From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour) Some fruity lines from rude comedians: The perfect one-liner is a holy grail for comedians – their chance for immortality. Nobody will memorise your lovingly crafted half hour routine fifty years from now, but we are still quoting those perfect lines from Tommy Cooper, Dorothy Parker or Groucho Marx. Though of course, Groucho – one of the all-time masters of this art-form – would refuse to join any one-liner club that’d have him as a member…
‘Stand on stage and see if they laugh’
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. The daughter is confused, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what's that thing hanging down under the elephant?""Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?" The Cashier responds : “ I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them. ” Later in the day, while he’s at the dinner, the guy sits at the table but doesn’t say a word. The girlfriend’s mother ask him to say grace. He prays, prays, and prays. After he’s finally done, his girlfriend tells him “I didn’t know you were so religious”. I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe
The c ashier says : “ Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID. ” Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 10 months. A while found out that he has never seen The Office. So we made a deal that I’d watch Breaking Bad for him if he watched The Office for me. We’ve been doing an episode of each everyday together and it’s been great. However we recently got to a specific episode that makes a joke about the main characters penis size. Specifically there is a woman that exposes him as having a small penis in front of a gathering of people. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did. What did the astronaut say to his space shuttle? “Don’t be silly, wrap your boosters, Willy! We don’t want any misfires!”
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes. You’re not getting the keys to the car. Before you get the keys, I want three things from you. I want you to cut your hair, I want you to dump your loser friends, and I want you to start going to church again.” I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard Why did the basketball player ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his slam dunk! The Devil had had enough of Jesus being in the spotlight for so long. He challenged Jesus to compose the longest tale on Microsoft Word and win. Jesus agrees, and they begin.
Kielty 'knocks it out of the park' on emotional Late Late Toy Show debut
There ́s no way she believed you!” He shakes his head again. “How old did you tell her you were, then?” Joan Rivers–“All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.” Johnson replies : “ : “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister. ” ” Then it’s the turn of the Irishman. He shouts “For Ireland!”…and pushes Johnson out of the plane. 7. Thatcher vs Johnson
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